Discretion and Understanding

Have you ever had the experience of realizing that there is a toxic personality within a close circle of friends?  A devastating discovery, and one that you have avoided acknowledging—while blaming yourself and assuming that you are to blame when a relationship is skewed!

What we need to acknowledge here, is the fact of a double minded person—one who seems beyond reproach, yet habitually will backbite or display (what young people call) “attitude”.  If you are a deeply sensitive and naturally self-effacing individual, this attitude will cause you profound agony and even erroneous self-incrimination—if you have been close to this individual for a long time.

We should discern a kink* when a person periodically comes to us with rancorous criticism of someone else.  But we can be so blinded by our mindset of loving acceptance that we believe the individual incapable of the rancor we should have identified.  Perhaps we have consistently prayed for this person, thinking only of her circumstances and need of inner peace—without understanding the harsh reality:  that what we have here is a perverse and wayward attitude, and—at this point— an apparently arrogant spirit.

Meanwhile, “It is what it is”!  And it is awful!  Discord in any personal community may be unthinkable, but it happens.

Among countless other Scriptures, Proverbs 2:10-13 addresses the issue of dealing with toxicity:  “When wisdom enters your heart, and knowledge is pleasant to your soul, discretion will preserve you, understanding will keep you, to deliver you from the way of evil, from the man who speaks perverse things, from those who leave the path of uprightness to walk in the ways of darkness . . . .”  NKJV

Wisdom is knowing the Lord Jesus Christ and living in His light—always guided by His Word, always realizing that apart from Him we are helpless and hopeless sinners.  Wisdom is walking in love, humbly realizing that only God can remedy the kinks in another person’s attitude or style of relating.

Wisdom is absolutely CLINGING to our LORD, and trusting Him to preserve us from devastation when we hurt.  Wisdom is responding with loving truth and a gracious refusal to be a part of the backbiting, while realizing that we are sinners saved by Grace and Grace alone.

According to the above Scripture, wisdom and knowledge of the LORD results in the discretion which preserves us.  I ran the word “discretion” through my STRONG’S CONCORDANCE and found something astoundingly practical concerning the issue at hand.  The Hebrew word for “discretion” means in many cases an ungodly shrewdness and calculated plotting or coping.  But according to the CONCORDANCE, the word sometimes infers mental acuity in a good sense—an enlightened awareness which leads to a righteous response.

Immediately, I thought of the Lord Jesus’s command to be “wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.”  The Matthew 10:16 command follows our Savior’s mission statement of sending His disciples as sheep in the midst of wolves.  If our Savior sent His disciples out into the wolves, doesn’t it follow that we will encounter wolves as well?  Indeed, we are His sheep!

Wise as serpents!  Sagacity and insightfulness.  We are not to be clueless or sentimentally and subjectively unaware of darkness and waywardness.  But we are to respond in love rather than retaliation.  We are to defend those being maligned, without reacting with the rancor of the backbiter.

When we are the target of backbiting, we must respond in a gracious spirit of desiring to grow in Christ while acknowledging that yes we are, like every other human, flawed.  We need to prayerfully, diligently, and consistently avoid the temptation of retaliation and/or self-defense.

But we must never forget that we are sons and daughters of the KING!  We are to walk in His love and His strength!  We can brand Romans 8:1 deeply into heart and mind:  “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

As we walk in the Spirit of our Risen Lord Jesus Christ, there is no place for false guilt or self-focused self-condemnation.  We are never alone, and we are never devastated as we walk with Discretion and Understanding!  MLB

*The word “kink” makes me think of a kink in my garden hose, something which frequently annoys me as I love to water my gardens.  I can straighten out the garden hose kink, but only God can fix the kinks in a human soul!

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The Wounded Warriors

“But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people’s matters.”  I Peter 4:15, NKJV *

I’m a Fox News watcher, and I normally glaze over and tend to my knitting during commercials.  But always my attention is riveted to the screen when the WOUNDED WARRIOR ads come on.  Nothing can be more heartrending than to view and consider the uprooted lives of those young men and women who have sacrificed for our country.  These are actual case histories, and each one I’ve seen is implanted in my mind and heart.  As a mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, nothing tears me inside so much as the thought of harm and suffering coming to young people!

Less obvious than the service personnel who have lost arms, legs, and mental stability due to battle are the “wounded warriors” in the Christian church.  Every believer is a soldier for the Lord Jesus Christ.  And any one of us may, at one time or another, become a casualty—or inflict tragic damage on a fellow believer—if we are not armed with God’s Word, thereby forgetting to feed the Holy Spirit of God who lives within us.

Tragic are those Christian casualties who succumb to the temptations of our enemy, Satan, and go spiritually A.W.O.L.  Christians who fall out of the ranks and goof up their lives are still saved for eternity, but they may suffer incredible anxieties and miserable consequences while they are still alive on earth unless they allow our Lord to bring them back on track.  More common among those I’ve known are the wounded warriors who have either been unfairly judged by their fellow believers or subjected to unbiblical, legalistic teaching and unsolicited input about what they should be doing with their lives.

Back in the 1980s when my husband and I had a little “hobby farm”, a woman from my church appeared (unannounced) at my door at 8:00 a.m.  Now I’ve been an early riser for most of my life.  I certainly was dressed for the day and percolating in the wee hours back in the days when I had outdoor critters as well as the indoor, human clientele to feed.  My coffee pot is famous for being either always on or ever ready, and I do love guests—even at odd hours.

However this guest did not come to relax over a cuppa jo.  She came with fire in her eyes, to set me straight on what she considered to be rank disobedience and “worldliness” on my part.  “Don’t you know,” this helpful sister demanded, “that you should be out doing things for the Lord rather than feeding a bunch of sheep and spinning their wool?”

My morning caller was a zealous woman, sincere in her convictions about what she should be doing.  But she erroneously thought that everyone else should be like her.  She failed to understand that each of us is created to be unique.  I don’t recall what she would have preferred for me to be doing.  Maybe ringing a bell for the Salvation Army, or volunteering at a soup kitchen.  Those certainly are noteworthy, valid things to do for the Lord.  Several of my immediate family members are deeply involved with the Salvation Army—in every capacity from bell ringing, to cooking and sharing Christ with the down-and-out men who live at the Army facility.

But those were not the things that God had given me to do.  Because of God’s Word, I knew that I was “doing things for the Lord” by happily blooming where I was planted, running a serene and orderly home, loving my family and neighbors, fashioning beauty with my hands per Proverbs 31, and caring for some (albeit rather stupid and definitely helpless!) members of God’s creation.  Had I not been fortified by Scripture, I could easily have launched into a guilt trip over my visitor’s diatribe.

Through diligent Scripture study we “prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God”.  Only then can we know whether we are to ring bells, serve in a soup kitchen—or reflect God’s love, beauty, and creativity at home.  And only then can we live serenely, despite those around us who might try to throw us off track.  With God’s Word, we are victorious warriors and no wounds are too great for Him to heal!

Margaret L. Been, 2013

*It has always struck me as downright humorous, that God’s Word places busybodies in the same sentence with murderers and thieves!  Food for thought, as to the seriousness of meddling!  A constant warning, especially to myself when I think I might be “helpful” by giving out some advice!

NOTE:  The portrayal of Pickett’s Charge is courtesy of Karen’s Whimsy copyright free images.

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The most frequently read themes . . .

Nearly every day I check the “back pages” of my blogs, to see what search terms have been used for access and which entries are the most frequently read.  On Grace with Salt, I’m continually amazed.  The topics which get the bulk of visitors are things to do with toxic relationships—whether among family members, friends, or acquaintances.   Entries I wrote over two years ago are still widely read.  This touches my heart, as I realize that many people suffer and wonder how to manage when relationships go askew.

Whatever I have written in the past, on the subject of toxic acquaintances—Christian or otherwise—may be underscored and highlighted in RED, signifying the precious BLOOD of Jesus Christ.  This blood, shed for any and all who will believe, is the answer to every dilemma known to mankind.  To appropriate Christ’s shed blood to my life (along with immersing myself in God’s Word) is to guarantee peace of mind in the midst of anything that may happen to me. 

Through the shed blood, I am forgiven.  Through God’s indwelling Holy Spirit, I have the power to forgive, and I must forgive—even if I don’t “feel” forgiving!  I need to pray, “Lord, make me willing to be willing to forgive”. 

Through prayer and reading God’s Word I can obtain the wisdom to deal with whatever and whomever life may bring my way.  Toxic relationships threaten to destroy our peace of mind, but we need not let that happen.  If I’m guilty of undermining a relationship, I am to seek forgiveness—from God and from the person I have offended.  Having done this, I can go on praying—knowing that I’m right with my Lord.  If tension still exists in the troubled area, at least I have done all I can.  As a tennis player would say, “The ball is in the other court”.  Meanwhile, I must continue to pray!

If a relationship has been damaged due to another person, I can graciously reduce the time spent with this person (providing the individual is not someone who lives under my roof).  Firmness may be needed in backing off, but with lots of prayer I can be gracious as well as firm.  Perhaps a face to face (gracious) explanation is warranted—or a letter.  Every human is unique, and every circumstance is different.  Only God’s Word and prayer can sort out the answers and solutions to the issues we face.

The proverbial “bottom line” is forgiveness.  We have been forgiven, and we must forgive!  If we have done wrong, we need to beg for forgiveness.  It’s that simple, and it’s that profound!  The basis of our Christian life is Forgiveness!

Margaret L. Been, ©2012 

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That Hardest Thing!

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”     Ephesians 4:32  (NIV)

How often do we reel and sting under the onslaught of personal attacks?!  The attacks can be major and tragic, or they can be petty and insiduous.  They can be viciously plotted or simply the result of human cluelessness—but attacks are inevitably wounding to some degree.  When attacked, we are tempted to harbor bitterness.  Anger and a vindictive spirit are a part of our fallen human DNA. 

Forgiving is the hardest thing we are commanded to do.  Yet we must forgive, as Christ forgave us.  Scripture is blatantly clear on this point.  We have no choice but to forgive.  Forgiveness can’t be faked.  Only in the power of the Indwelling Holy Spirit, can we humans forgive one another. 

More times than I can recall, I have agonized over pain inflicted by careless remarks or deliberately unkind treatment—either directed at someone I love, or at myself.  More times than I can recall, I’ve had to give this agony to the Lord and acknowledge that I simply can’t forgive—while yielding my anger and asking God to replace it with His forgiving love.

God never fails.  He will act!  As I confess my unforgiving spirit as sin, the Lord Jesus Christ does a profound work in my heart so that I actually do forgive—yet it is not me, but Christ forgiving through me.

Forgiving!  The hardest thing.  The impossible thing!  The thing that only God can do.  And that’s precisely what the Christian life is all about!

Margaret L. Been, ©2011

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Please, no vinegar!

” . . . looking diligently lest any man fail of the Grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled . . .”  Hebrews 12:15

Vinegar has many culinary uses, as celebrated by my collection of Victorian art glass cruets.  In the bygone days of glorious glassware, vinegar adorned every well-appointed table.  But except for cleaning coffee pots and washing windows, vinegar is useless without the gracious ingredients which make it palatable:  sugar, salt, pepper, tasty herbs, spices, and oil.  Certainly the bitterness of vinegar in a human spirit is nothing you would ever want to preserve in a gorgeous Victorian glass cruet! 

Trials in life are a given.  We all will have them at some time, and perhaps for most of the time we are here on earth.  What do we do with these trials?  How do we let them affect us?  We can choose to let the sweet oil of the Holy Spirit fill our lives and draw others to our Lord.  Or we can feed the destructive root of bitterness, the sour vinegar of those souls who doubt God’s wisdom in the details of their days.

I’m thankful that, while I was growing up, no one ever misled me to think that life would be easy.  I’m thankful for upbeat parents who valued life and made the most of all circumstances, refusing to turn bitter when jobs soured or troubles set in.  The old adage, “When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade” is not just corny.  It’s wise!

Most of all, I’m thankful for the Lord Jesus Christ whom I have trusted for His sacrifice and my salvation, at Calvary.  He is risen!  He is alive!  His Spirit indwells those of us who have trusted Him, enabling us to let His light shine forth regardless of our circumstances!

When life hands us vinegar, we can choose to add those beautiful ingredients:  sugar, salt, pepper, tasty herbs, spices, and OIL—the oil of God’s Holy Spirit!  Then those around us will be edified, rather than defiled!

Margaret L. Been, ©2011

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The “Green-Eyed Monster”

I LOVE the color GREEN!  To me it represents gardens, the wild woods in summer, refreshment, relaxation, most everything good!  As a soapmaker, I make a lot of green soap with olive oil, palm oil, and green pigment.  The result?  A clone of that fine old favorite, Palm Olive®.  My husband grew up with Palm Olive soap, so he’s pleased with my version—which is better for face and body than the commercial stuff, because home-made soap is all natural!

Yes, I love the word “green”—except when used in reference to a liberal political agenda.  Yet there is another less-than-wonderful implication of green—one that recently came to mind as I was reflecting on issues of human relationships:  green as in “green-eyed”.

Here are some gleanings from from http://www.phrases.org.uk —

 GREEN-EYED

Meaning:  Envy

Origin:  Green is a colour associated with sickness, possibly because people’s skin takes on a slightly yellow/green tinge when they are seriously ill. Green is also the colour of many unripe foods that cause stomach pains. 

The phrase was used by, and possibly coined by, Shakespeare to denote jealousy, in The Merchant of Venice, 1596:

Portia:
How all the other passions fleet to air,
As doubtful thoughts, and rash-embraced despair,
And shuddering fear, and green-eyed jealousy! O love,
Be moderate; allay thy ecstasy,
In measure rein thy joy; scant this excess.
I feel too much thy blessing: make it less,
For fear I surfeit.

In Othello, 1604, Shakespeare also alludes to cats as green-eyed monsters in the way that they play with mice before killing them.

Iago:
O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on; that cuckold lives in bliss
Who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger;
But, O, what damned minutes tells he o’er
Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet strongly loves!

The old bard never failed to hit human nature on its proverbial head!  I confess to having had green eyes now and then over the years, but only when I thought some woman was having goo-goo eyes over my husband!  The tragic illustration provided by OTHELLO should serve as a warning flare to all who love their mates!

But it most certainly has never occurred to me to be envious in terms of disliking another person because she had something I didn’t have, or was something that I was not!  I was born with the contentment gene, and raised by contented parents.  I cannot begin to comprehend the mentality of green-eyed discontent!

The issue of toxic people and relationships has surfaced recently, in online as well as personal discussions.  Many fellow Christians are puzzled and “at a loss” as to how to deal with toxicity—since we are commanded to love and forgive.  The practical “how to” involved in loving and forgiving is always a challenge.

While, reading, listening, and reflecting it has occurred to me that green eyes may often be a major element in the chemistry of a toxic relationship—far more frequently than my naive, contented nature has ever imagined in the past!

In my humanity, I have no answers for toxicity in human relationships, except to zealously (not jealously!) guard my own heart attitudes and fortify every day with prayer and Scriptures.  I cannot change the green-eyed people, and I cannot change the world.  I can only live moment by moment, resting in the ONE who can and does change hearts!

Meanwhile, I desire to appropriate the wisdom and grace of the indwelling Lord Jesus so that I can respond Biblically (as well as “survive” spiritually and emotionally!) when faced with a toxic individual–especially one who might possibly have green eyes!  

©2010, Margaret L. Been

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When mothers hurt . . . .

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.  She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.  She watches over the affairs of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.  Her children arise and call her blessed . . . .”  Proverbs 31:25-28a

Over the years, I’ve done a lot of listening over teacups.  I would never call myself a “counselor” because that would be presumptuous.  God is the Counselor.  I listen, pray, and ache inside over heart-rending histories of mothers who have been hurt by their children.

When we mothers love our children, devote many years of our life to them, and do our best to nurture and guide them, someday these children will arise and call us blessed—at least many of them will. 

But when it comes to sharing the happier memories, some children may choose to remain seated!  For every given number of adult children who actually sing the praises of their mother, there can be one who simply will not. 

For all the years when that mother gently stroked her young child’s head and dried her tears with comforting words, a daughter may only refer back to those times when Mother “yelled”.  (Firm speech on the part of a parent is normally interpreted by the child as “yelling”.)

For all the times when mother and child enjoyed each other’s company and lived “in sync”, some adult children will only focus on times of disagreement and/or conflict—reiterating those occasions when the parent had to maintain a firm position of “NO, for the edification of the child (or to preserve the parent’s sanity)!

Integral in the ongoing drama of mother and child is the word “CHILD”.  The “children” who arise up and call their mother “blessed” are really no longer children.  They have matured.  Life has finally “happened” to them, and they understand that our time on earth is rarely “easy”.  They realize that their parents’ lives were not always easy—and perhaps very hard in terms of difficult relationships or circumstances.

Mature sons and daughters have thought deeply and sensitively enough to know that no human on earth is ever perfect.  Mature sons and daughters realize that they themselves are not even perfect, although it served their egos as immature youngsters to fantasize that their mothers were being terribly unfair—when those moms were simply doing their job to the best of their human ability amid the myriad, ongoing stresses of parenting! 

Thus, I listen over teacups—grieving for the mothers who hurt, and identifying with them in their sorrow.  I try to encourage those who hurt, by assuring them that they are not alone.  God understands their pain, and so do I—from my own experience as a mom! 

Over teacups, I share my belief that mothers may always feel more pain than anyone else on earth.  Why?  Because mothers are the NUMBER ONE SAFE TARGET.  No matter what a child does, says, or carelessly flings at his or her mother, THE MOTHER WILL ALWAYS BE THE MOTHER! 

A mother will weep in private and sometimes raise her voice publically in desperation, protest, or anger.  She may even melt down.  Yet, assuming she loves her children as most of us do, a mother will never defect!

Over teacups, I remind hurting mothers that those of us “in Christ” are literally indwelt by the LIVING LORD!  II Corinthians 4:10 declares that “. . . we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may be revealed in our mortal body.” 

When we belong to the Lord, we mothers are vessels for His dying and His life.  He is our Strength and Dignity.  We can laugh at the days to come!  🙂

Margaret L. Been—All Rights Reserved

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Sweet Solitude

“It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

Emerson’s words come back to me nearly every day, especially now that Joe and I are no longer living in the solitude of the northwoods.  According to Scripture, we Christians are to be in the world, yet not of it.  Since most of us cannot dwell physically apart from society forever, and cannot always escape to the wilderness to renew our inner fortitude, we must learn to carry that solitude deep within our souls—in the midst of society.  The balancing act delineated by Emerson in the above quote is essential to the survival of one’s soul.

Only one lifestyle enables me to maintain the independence of solitude with perfect sweetness:  that of realizing the presence of the Lord Jesus in every waking moment.  Inner solitude and sweetness can only be achieved by resting in Him, knowing He is in me, soaking up His Word, confessing my sins, and yielding my frustrations to Him in prayer. 

My soul’s health requires that I live in a spirit of worship—praising God for whom He is, acknowledging His attributes, and rejoicing in the fact that He is in control.  True “independence” is God-dependence.  The Lord enables us to keep the independence of solitude with perfect sweetness, even in the midst of society.

Margaret L. Been—All Rights Reserved

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